tuwing magtetext ako sayo sobrang madamdamin tas ikaw, “cge thanks” lang? sapakin kita e. :( sobra ka na.

i cannot understand why I am always the one to be ignored like I don’t have feelings; like I cannot be hurt if they publicly or privately ignored me. why? is it because I am too jolly to be hurt? or do i look like a last priority? please, cannot you make a way like even redirect it to me as a joke but please do not ignore me, i may not have much ego but i am still a person asking you to make me feel my presence or even a bit of my existence to you, if not, i’d rather be alone because I feel like I am no one and will always be no one to anyone.

Friends did it to me not only once but a lot of times and it’s just too much.

It was just minutes ago when I read an ex-friend’s blog. I was hurt to see posts of her still not feeling well, still not moving on. Actually, looking at the posts made me feel more stupid than ever. It’s like treating someone, the best way you can and in the end, you’ll be left out not knowing anything and just feel stupid about everything.

As a friend, I still cannot move on. Am I just disappointed of the people I met? I hope someday, this hatred I have inside will fade so I can totally forget things. Though, I thought of the things I have done this past year, I really did not do something big for her, I even gave up on her stuff. It was just absurd to still be friend with someone who cannot even tell you things which could have given you the chance to help her. Well, I understood, she was just uncomfortable telling those things to me because she knows I don’t like it but maybe my mom was true to what she said, I might have been assuming to think that I was her friend, her close friend. I might have just  been a colleague all this time, this past year —- leaving me the feeling that I am once again this big worthless person on earth.

I don’t understand why I am hurting for her. I should stop here. I should forget all things that has happened. I should forget people who disappointed me and maybe in ways, I have disappointed also. Wherever those people are, I hope they are fine, recuperating from the pain they had this year; from the unsuccessful love affairs to changing career paths. One day, I wish, everything will be clear for all of us. I am not perfect. I tried to play on the safe side, it just doesn’t work anymore.

Ever since I became a teacher, I rarely went out on dates and others. :( it makes me sad that I cannot even meet my old friends anymore, or should i still call them friends after learning about forgetting each other? Honestly, i just realized, friendship is like love, you choose who to be friends with and you choose to care for them no matter what. - whatever  mistakes they do and also be happy with them when they are. It was just this year when I learned that not all friendship built can be returned to how it started. Friends could and would always be choosing the things that would make them TOO happy they could die. Well, we are friends and we are suppose to be happy for them but this year, I chose to stop. Finally I halted and I said “enough with the trust and support”. Time will come when you’ll meet a person whom you will consider a friend. You will be together during ups and downs and when everyone decides to ignore him, you will choose to believe that someday this friend will change and be by his side, again, no matter what. It’s just too tiring to believe on a lot of things and I do not know what to believe in these days. Friends would come and go and the next time I meet one, I hope to be careful so as not to be in pain when this friend chooses to part ways with me and be selfish.

As for my friends in the past, I hope they’ll still recognize me even after these years that we have not seen each other. It just saddens me a lot when I cannot go and meet them because the time does not permit and the career I chose eats a so much of the time I should have allotted for my personal life. Life as we know it. I just have to accept whatever is happening because things would definitely fall into place. Goodnight.

yung feeling na unsure ka ngayon sa maraming bagay sa buhay mo? yung feeling na marami kang gustong ireklamo pero di mo magawa kasi iniiwasan mo? yung feeling na harap harapan ka nang niloloko ng tinuring mong kaibigan pero wa pakels ka lang? yung feeling na parang nagseselos ka na hindi tuwing binabanggit ng boss mo na may date sya? nakakataka yung ganitong pakiramdam? paki ko kung may date sya? baka naiinggit lang ako.

ngayong araw ko lang na-feel yung ganito na parang ang tanga, bagal, hina at walang kwenta ko bilang tao, guro, kaibigan, kawani, subordinate at kung anu ano pa. yung feeling na harapan nang sinasabi ng boss mo sayo na magpasa ka na ng requirements kasi gusto nya nang sumweldo pero wala ka pa ring pinapasa?

yung feeling na gusto mong may makapansin sayong lalaki pero ang taba mo, at ni sa hinagap walang magkakagusto? suntok sa buwan daw ang tawag doon. yung feeling na ang dami kong gagawin ngayon pero andito ako sa kama nagtatype nito? hay nako. anebe. chinua achebe. :(

kelan kaya ako magtitino? bente na ko pero parang ngayon palang ako nagdadalaga. hay buhay. parang ngayon, gusto kong mag chill. pero di ko pa rin magawa. andami nang obligasyon na nakakalimutan ko nang gawin at minsan gawin ko man, nakakalimutan ko na sarili ko.

yung feeling na next school year ikaw lang ang medyo matanda sa area nyo tapos maraming bago?

help me, man in the sky.

bakit parang affected ako sa nakita ko? buti naman at may girlfriend ka na. maganda. well, wala naman talagang something sa atin dati, sadyang nagustuhan lang kita. pero ngayon, wala na. siguro talaga magiging matandang dalaga nalang ako. wala talaga akong effect kahit kanino. i am not attractive in any way. i accepted that. :(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((

</3

Today is literally a sad day. It is holy friday. I have pondered on things and I am quite confused if i can make it to the next level in the coming school year. I do not know if I can still handle things.I always have this feeling of uncertainty on all the things that I do, which, I am trying to remove and I am on the process of doing it. I am doing well. T_T

Anyway, on the lighter side of the news, I am trying my very best to lose weight nowadays because I really have to. I am concerned of my health as well as my dying self-esteem.

That;s it. I have nothing to say more. These are all self issues which I have to remove or else I’d be ruining myself.

a month ago…

how ironical it is to proclaim myself as someone great but cannot be great in front of my students. i know, it takes time to become one but… i was really hurt when i saw a caption of my student telling that the teacher with her is the best, then when i saw our picture, i was just tagged and i was not even labeled as at least “my good adviser” or “my adviser”. it was just plainly a tag. how painful it is to be at the bottom and not even reaching the people at the top.

jealousy, i may say, but that’s just how i feel about it. i wonder, what i can do to have a better school year. honestly, i am afraid of even facing the next SY and not be considered a good one for the second time. self-esteem  meter —- very low. i want to cry but i can’t. i’ll just let this pass and sleep until i forget.

i am unknown and will always be. i promise. i’ll accept the fact that i won’t ever be recognized the way i wanted to be or even the way that would make me feel better because it would be IMPOSSIBLE.

A VERY IMPOSSIBLE THING.

katulad ng sarili ko na akala ko nawawala, bigla kong natype ulit ng tama ang email ad ko at password nitong tumblr ko. gumawa tuloy ako ng bago. pero ito nalang ang pinili ko kaya wag magulat sa labing-isang post na ilalagay ko. pagpasensyahan ang kagagahan ko sa buhay. teacher pero minsan tanga. ay ewan. :)

it has been half a year and the school will be closing again for summer vacation in three months, without me, even realizing it. well, what happens in january, happens in january. i had just signed the letter of intent - to stay. it had sadden me because  I have been meaning to leave that school in the past and now, all i can say is to stay? how come? one thing’s for sure, i’m afraid of my mom.

I do  not know if I will have any regrets of not resigning. One thing’s for sure, I will be staying for another year, take all the sacrifices and another year of devastating moments. The door was open for me to leave but I stayed inside instead. :(( I have to live with my decisions, otherwise, I would be considered immature again for the Nth time. I want to grow, that’s why I am doing this.

God would definitely be with me in this. I hope he’ll be with me along the path, as I finish another academic year.